THE SUCCESSFUL PAINTER
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is
that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth
flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of
BLONDE STRIKES BACK!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title
and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee
of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about
it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."
VIAGRA'S SIDE EFFECTS
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even
taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how
her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was
immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at
the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never
be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passergers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right; is
the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda.
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know
what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South
Carolina Low country.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like
this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's
nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet,
and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
updated on 1st. July 2K1