|
|
| Actual
Signs Posted By Businesses :
|
Sign
on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action Optometrist's Office: If you don't
see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just
left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed
up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait. |
 
|
Murphy's
laws Of IT : (As
appeared in 'Times Computing', October 27, 1999.)
|
|
- When
computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.
- When
you get to a point where you really know your computer, then it's
probably obsolete.
- The
first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
where you leastexpect to find it.
- When
the going gets tough....Upgrade.
- For
every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
- To
err is human....to mess things up royally requires a computer.
- He
who laughs last probably made a backup.
- A
complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
- A
computer programme will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want it to do.
- The
No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
|
| (
Please note that these are purely my personal thoughts, without any
reference to anybody alive or .... Well I guess the dead won't mind
much! ) |
| You
are poorly dressed when : |
|
*
The Clothes you are wearing do not match the Clothes of your female.
*
Your Socks slump at your Trouser cuffs.
*
When your Buttondown Collar is not buttoned down.
*
When your Cuffs are undone.
*
When the Collar button of your Shirt is missing.
*
When your Wristwatch does'nt slide out of your Cuff in one single
swift motion, when you need to see the time.
*
When your Undergarments don't match your Outer Clothes.
*
When you are wearing Black without having a Single Grey Hair.
*
When your Belt Buckle or DoubleBreasted Jacket opens on the Left
Hand Side.
*
When the person next to you is wearing an Armani. HELL!!! In that
case you are not dressed at all!
(
I know you may not give a **** about what I think about dressing
but almost 20% people in Bombay dress in the above Fashion. )
|
| Some
Real Good Advertising Punchlines : |
|
*
IRIDIUM SATELLITE PHONES - " Now Geography is History ! ".
*
ROTHMANS - " The Best Tobacco Money Can Buy ".
*
OLD SPICE - " The Mark Of A Man ".
*
RAYBAN - " Get On The Other Side Of A RayBan ".
*
FEDERAL EXPRESS - " Don't Just Send It, FedEx It ! ".
*
MASTERCARD - " Smart Money " / " The Future Of Money
".
*
GILLETTE - " The Best A Man Can Get ".
*
WRANGLER - " If It Ain't Wrangler, It Ain't Jeans ".
*
JASRAS - " We Care For Your Image....Because We Care For Ours
".
*
THUMS UP - " Taste The Thunder ".
*
FREELOOK KHAKIS - " Forget the Corporate Ladder, here's the
Elevator!".
|
| If
Microsoft Manufactured Cars : |
- For
no reasons whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
- Every
time they repainted the lines on the road you'd have to buy a
new car.
- Occasionaly,
your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
accept this, restart and drive on.
- The
oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New
seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The
Air Bag System would say "Are you sure?" before going
off.
- Ocassionally,
your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turn the key, and grab
hold of the car radio antenna.
- Car
makers would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of their proprietary road map books, even though they neither
need or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
- Everytime
a new model is introduced, buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.
- You'd
press the "START" button to shut off the engine.
- In
competition, Macintosh would make a car that was powered by SUN,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive. It would
ride smoothly on special Mac made roads as well as those made
by Microsoft!.
(*
From Times Computing, Novenber 3rd. '99.)
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